still moving through the pain
by fatedtopretendd
Summary: "Maybe he never learnt; maybe he never wanted to." Ryan/Marissa. 3x16 (The Road Warrior). A different take.


**A/N: I don't really know what this. It's an idea that I've had for a while and I finally wrote something down. I'm not sure if it really works but oh well.**

**Read and review as ever please. Thank you!**

**(Also, warning for language)**

_Now our lives are changing fast _

_Hope that something pure can last _

'We Used To Wait' - Arcade Fire

She walked to the poolhouse, not sure of what she was going to say or even what she wanted. She hoped unsurely, with self-aware naivety, that things might just work themselves out. She saw him standing by the kitchen counter, drinking a glass of water, and the feeling in her chest tightened. The poolhouse door was open and she only knocked because it saved her from calling out to him. He looked up quickly and even faster his eyes glazed over with a now familiar defensiveness.

"Hey," she tried.

"Hey." She stood awkwardly and pulled at her fingers. Her eyes flew away from him and observed the room she only knew too well. She didn't know why but she felt close to tears. How did they get so fucking distant?

He, equally as awkward, stepped forward and the light now shone on him brightly

"How was everything with the police?" he asked.

"Fine." she clarified. She turned her face towards him again and when she looked at him, getting a closer look, she saw the bruises on his face. He saw the recognition on her face and before he could stop her, she was rushing over to him.

"What happened?" she asked. Her distress was bare on her face, her proximity too close. She ran her hand over the marks and the softness of her fingertips etched on to his skins

"Nothing." he muttered and moved his head out of her reach. Her touch, her very self, was too inviting. He wanted to succumb, to crumble into her arms, to forgive her and love her again. He wanted her to love him. But he couldn't do that, he had before and it left him the way he is now.

She looked at him with exasperation and wondered why he had to be so difficult. He could just tell her. He just had to be difficult.

"Fine." she said bitterly and folded her arms tightly.

"It's a long story." Ryan attempted. He was at a loss, has been for the last six months when it came to him and her and words. She shook her head, because she knew that too as well. She knew it far too fucking well. She didn't resent him for that; she resented him for not making the effort.

She was about to leave, she was too tired to deal with this, she was always too tired nowadays. Her goodbye is on the tip of her tongue when she heard the clamour of footsteps and the breezy greeting of a partially familiar female voice.

"Hey, so guess what I found in the car?" the voice called out. Ryan and Marissa both see Sadie at once; he stiffened and something in her sank. Sadie's voice became quieter. "Playing cards." she finished.

"Hey Sadie." Marissa said with a smile that rarely ever graced her face. It was cold, calculated and intended to pierce. She was, after all, Julie Cooper's daughter.

"Hi Marissa." Sadie replied. Both girls looked at Ryan and he grappled for the words.

"Um, Sadie and I went to find Johnny's dad. That's how I ended up, well, like this." he offered and pushed his hands in to his pockets.

"Right." Marissa said and something about the way the words rolled off her tongue caught his attention. He caught her insinuation.

"It's not like that." he said.

"What is it like, Ryan? I don't see you all weekend, you don't pick up any of my calls and I find out you've been away with, with some girl, the whole time. What is that fucking like Ryan?" her voice was shaking but there was an odd monotone stillness in it which haunted him.

"Maybe I should go." Sadie contributed from the side.

"No." Marissa snapped. "It's fine, stay. I'm leaving."

"Marissa, let's just talk about this." Ryan suggested. A switch flipped.

"You want to talk?" Marissa scoffed. "Fucking unbelievable." He grew reticent at her accusation. Her eyes became watery and he knew the tears were on the verge. Even now, he wanted to rush over and wipe them away. "You know what Ryan, we're done. Fuck whoever you like."

He was dumbfounded at her words and it took him a minute to realise she was walking out. Literally and metaphorically. He found himself remembering the first time they broke up. On that empty school corridor, fighting over Oliver and their inability to trust each other. Trust, it always came down to felt the hurt threatening to engulf him and he clamped it down. Without really realising it, he was walking out on to the patio and running after Marissa.

"Marissa!" he shouted. She heard him and kept walking down the driveway. "Marissa, for god's sake."

She stopped and, for a fleeting second, had a vision of Ryan telling her he loved her and grabbing her with a pleading kiss. She wanted to cry harder because she knew it was so incredibly unlikely and yet she would never stop wishing it. _How pathetic was that?_ She turned tiredly to face him, the energy sapped from her.

"What do you want Ryan?"

"You can't just do that. You don't get to put this on me, Marissa. God, you know the weeks, no the fucking months, I spent watching you with him. Do you have any idea how I felt?" he shouted at her. He was bordering on manic. She stared at him with burdened eyes as guilt touched her.

"He was my _friend_." she pleaded, almost begged. He looked at her but it felt too intense. He shifted his face to the side and tried to compose himself. But his lip trembled and he felt lightheaded. He searched for the barriers that he never let down but even they were diminishing. It hurt, confronting her, the threat of what he might hear, the thought of _him_ and her, it all simply hurt.

"Sometimes, it felt like you were closer to him than with me." he told her. Silently he thinks to himself, recently, it has felt like that all the time. He finally looked at her and their eyes connected. She didn't offer him an explanation and silence descended.

"I'm sorry." she said at last, wiping at her tears. He breathed in and ran a hand through his hair.

"Look Marissa, nothing happened with Sadie. I should have told you, shouldn't really have gone with her, I know, I am sorry about that."

She observed, debated his words and then half-shrugged her shoulders. "I believe you." He nods at her and she throws him this brief, tiny smile. It's genuine and makes those familiar butterflies in his stomach flutter. She hesitated and he watched captivated. "Me and Johnny, it wasn't like that. I don't know what it was but he never meant more than you. It was never like that." She sniffed and took a moment to wipe her eyes again. "I loved you Ryan, I still..." she hiccupped slightly, and her words came out in a partial slur and then trailed away.

She kept looking at him with her eyes wide open and any remaining barriers he may have had leftover slipped away. There connection resonated, pure as it ever was, pulling him closer towards her. Maybe he never learnt; maybe he never wanted to. He gingerly moved his hand on her arm and felt her relax at his touch. His hand trailed up and then landed on her cheek, his thumb wiping at the lines of her tears. Her breath hitched and he too felt his leaving. He leant and kissed her and the familiar rush of desire passed through him. She parted their mouths and grasped for the air.

"Ryan," she began with a sigh, pulling away just slightly.

"Don't," he whispered. "Just, please, can we just…?"

He still didn't have the words, but in that moment, it didn't matter. She understood.


End file.
